Most days at my hospice office, I start by calling patients to arrange home visits.

Today I set an afternoon appointment with a woman in her mid-60s who’s been given less than six months to live.

She greets me at the front door with a question.

“Are you a Christian chaplain?” she asks, leaning into the word “Christian.”

As a hospice chaplain, I’ve learned a surefire way to bring down any conversation. I just mention what I do.

“Oh, that must be a really sad job,” is the familiar response.

“It can be sad,” I admit. “But most often it’s the opposite.”

Folks sometimes respond with a confused look, perhaps like you’re doing now.

If you’re fighting cancer or some other chronic disease, I owe you an apology for breaking the promise I made in 2009.
That was the year I served as chaplain in the Air Force field hospital in Balad, Iraq. Every two weeks there, I took the morning to donate blood platelets.

“What are platelets?” you ask.

Here’s what the Red Cross says: “Platelets are the tiny cells in your blood that form clots to stop bleeding.”

I’m hoping whoever reads this is looking for a job, specifically a hospice chaplain position.

I currently hold the title, but am eager for my employer to hire a replacement so I can retire—again.

The right candidate must be an approachable and caring person, unlike the man I interviewed some years ago. He arrived wearing a suit and became offended when I told him our hospice chaplains leave their clergy trappings at home.

“Why?” he asked.

People in my line of work get used to reruns. That’s not to say I’ve heard it all before, but stuff has a way of repeating itself when you’ve been a chaplain for a few decades.

Another thing I get accustomed to: clichés, especially those derived from biblical passages. Some I love. Others, not so much. Here’s a list of several unhealthy clichés: